Smart A$$ Quotes From George Carlin

1. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
2. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
3. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
4. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. 
5. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 
6. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 
7. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
8. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
9. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 
10. Life is a zero sum game.
    

10 Funny Quotes About Friendship

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." ~ Spike Milligan

"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice." ~ Anonymous

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

"A true friend stabs you in the front."- Oscar Wilde

"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept." - Samuel Butler

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Fr. Jerome Cummings 

18 Smarta$$ Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
   Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
   Do not walk beside me, either; just #$!@! off and leave me alone.
   
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 

Catcher In The Rye Quotes that kills me...

1. Sensitive. That killed me. That guy Morrow was about as sensitive as a goddam toilet seat.
2. I started giving the three witches at the next table the eye again. That is, the blonde one. The other two were strictly from hunger.
3. Real ugly girls have it tough. I feel so sorry for them sometimes. Sometimes I can't even look at them, especially if they're with some dopey guy that's telling them all about a goddam football game.
4. I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
5. People are always ruining things for you.
6. Sometimes you get tired of riding in taxicabs the same way you get tired riding in elevators. All of a sudden, you have to walk, no matter how far or how high up.
7. I can't always pray when I feel like it. In the first place, I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoy the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard.
8. The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding.
9. What I really felt like, though, was committing suicide. I felt like jumping out the window. I probably would've done it, too, if I'd been sure somebody'd cover me up as soon as I landed. I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory.
10. She gave me a pain in the ass, but she was very good-looking.
11. The thing is, it's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs--if yours are really good ones and theirs aren't. You think if they're intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do.
12. Goddam money. It always ends up making you blue as hell.
13. I hate actors. They never act like people. They just think they do. Some of the good ones do, in a very slight way, but not in a way that's fun to watch. And if any actor's really good, you can always tell he knows he's good, and that spoils it.
14. I told her I loved her and all. It was a lie, of course, but the thing is, I meant it when I said it. I'm crazy. I swear to God I am.
15. If you do something too good, then, after a while, if you don't watch it, you start showing off. And then you're not as good any more.
16. there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddam picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell, but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddam wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
17. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
18. It's funny. You take adults, they look lousy when they're asleep and they have their mouths way open, but kids don't. Kids look all right. They can even have spit all over the pillow and they still look all right.
19. If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
20. "I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."
21. "This fall I think you're riding for--it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started. You follow me?" --- Mr Antolini
22. 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.'" ---Wilhelm Stekel.
23. "I think that one of these days," he said, "you're going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you've got to start going there. But immediately. You can't afford to lose a minute. Not you." ---Mr Antolini
24. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of hose deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they'd leave me alone.
25. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "F*ck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
    

J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye: A Routledge Guide

A Reader's Companion to J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Rye: Shmoop Study Guide

The Catcher in the Rye (Study Guide)

Catcher, Caught

SMS / Text Messages Collection: Assorted

I had a dream that i still loved u *~* I THINK I WOKE UP SCREAMING!!!!!!

There are easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.


YeH u'D bE PReTTy gOoDLOoKiN iF iT WaSnT FoR yOuR FaCe


im not a tease im just a reminder of what you cant have


-íMåGíNé Ur LíFé WíThØuT Mé- -¿Mí§éRåBLé HuH?-


If it were supposed to feel good they wouldn't call it a crush.


Don't go for looks, they deceive, don't go for money, wait, go for money then when its gone, move on to the next guy!

Honk if you love Me, then drive your car into the nearest tree!

friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men/women

you say you're heaven sent... then that explains your face. mustve landed on it.

Rejected Hallmark Cards: Offensive

# I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.


# Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.


# I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.


# This feels good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.


# You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round ass!


# Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!


# Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown...but so's your ass!


# You're a honey....and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".


# I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!


# If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Some Useful Prayers

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am PST.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to NOT try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen

Funny Text Messages: Insults

Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl's empty and so is ur head!

---

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

---

U have to do 2 things early in the morning...
1st. pray to God so that u can live....
2nd.take a bath so that others can live....

---

Someday u may lose ur hair,
u may lose ur teeth,ur money & even lose ur mind.
But 1 thng ul nvr lose is ur gud luks
coz u cant lose wat u dont have.

---

If I was a painter,u wud b my painting
If I was an author,u wud b my story.
If I was a poet,u wud b my poem.
But unfortunately Im a psychiatrist.

---

Wen sumbody who's deeply in luv wid u
tells u tat ur cute,beautiful & angelic,
I agree. Tats true, believe me, I swear
Coz love is definitely blind..!

---

Who Wants 2 B A
£MILLIONAIRE£

Let's play?
Q.Nobody likes you because you are a:


A.Cunt
B.Wanker
C.Rsole
D.Twat



50/50



Phone a friend?


Ring me! I will tell you!

---

You=lovely
You=perfect
You=beautiful
You=amazing
You=sweet
You=cute
You=genius
You=fantastic
You=fabulous
Me=liar

---

Where r u? U r u not replying? I m worried coz todays paper I read that due 2 thunder a monkey has been severely injured. So if u r safe, SMS me immediately.

You Can't Buy Love On eBay: Love Quotes

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. -- Anonymous

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein

If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it.-- Fran Lebowitz

I've abandoned the search for true love; I'll just settle for a good one night stand. -- Marcuss

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. -- W. Somerset Maugham

Love is a grave mental disease. -- Plato

Love is kissing each other on the lips eventhough its yucky -- a five year old kid

You can't buy love on eBay. -- Anonymous

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. -- La Rochefoucauld

More Smart A$$ Quotes: Insults

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

You are the kind of person that could be used as a blueprint to build an idiot.

You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.

If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.

We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks

You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.

Please, baby, let me withhold you.

Nice assets.

Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.

In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.

Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.

If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?

Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.

You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.

You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

Text Messages From The Cubicle Prison

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Fix the Box Instead of Thinking Outside Of It.

Their theory: 'No work, no pay'. My rule: 'No pay, no work'

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday...

Write a 'to do' list so you can procrastinate more effectively.

If you don't like your job, you don't quit, you just go in every day and do it really half ass.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

Teamwork is what you call it when you trick other people into ignoring their priorities in favor of yours.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do.

Smart A$$ Quotes

Statistics are used by people who have no proof


If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you.


Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop


Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity.


Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself


A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.


The road to success is always under construction.


I'm looking forward to regretting this.


Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I've yet to figure out why


Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"

SMS: Lifes Realities

Gravity always wins

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

Geniuses like Me are never understood in our own lifetimes.

Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday.

Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us.

Even hot girls have to fart

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

WTF Quotes

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Unite against togetherness!

Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin'.

Life's a Bitch. Be its pimp.

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun

All generalizations are false

'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

A true friend stabs you in the front

The Obnoxious Texter

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right

Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink

Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS.

The Drunk Texter: Ten Of My Favorite Alcohol Related SMS

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems

I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts

I don't curse, drink and smoke. Holy Shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance

I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

Save water, drink beer

SMS: Sexy Message Service

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! I’ll SiT BaCk AnD i'LL let you BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF Me!

Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it

3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

Save a mouse, eat a pussy

Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone