Having Fun With Condoms Without Putting Them On First.

At a supermarket use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

At a supermarket get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

Puck up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, got to the counter and ask where the FITTING ROOM is.

Wile buying grocery, fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

Q: What do a shark and a condom with a hole in it have in common? - A: You don’t want to fuck with either of them!

Q: When should you wear condoms? - A: At every conceivable occasion

Q: Why can’t pencils have babies? - A: Because they have rubbers on their end

Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman? - A: She’s the one with a condom on her vibrator

Is There A Difference Between An Internal Auditor And An Undertaker?

How do you know you've met a good auditor? - He has a loophole named after him.

You might be an Auditor if... you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

Internal Auditors are like soldiers who arrive after a battle and stabs all those who are dying.

An Internal Auditor is someone who is called in at the last moment to assign the blame.

How many Internal Auditors does it take to help you change a light bulb? Three. One to make sure that the bulb is not overpriced and two to write the standards and tell you what you did wrong.

You are an Auditor if... You thought college was a waste of time.

A priest, a rabbi and an auditor were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the auditor began to draft a report on what went wrong, who was to be blamed and recommended on how to improve traffic safety.

Why is it okay to have sex with an auditor? - Because they know how to do it with minimized risk.

An Internal Auditor is a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.

When does a person decide to become an Internal Auditor? - When he realizes he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks

You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.

Please, baby, let me withhold you.

Nice assets.

Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.

In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.

Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.

If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?

Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.

You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.

You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

Text Messages From The Cubicle Prison

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Fix the Box Instead of Thinking Outside Of It.

Their theory: 'No work, no pay'. My rule: 'No pay, no work'

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday...

Write a 'to do' list so you can procrastinate more effectively.

If you don't like your job, you don't quit, you just go in every day and do it really half ass.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

Teamwork is what you call it when you trick other people into ignoring their priorities in favor of yours.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do.

Smart A$$ Quotes

Statistics are used by people who have no proof


If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you.


Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop


Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity.


Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself


A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.


The road to success is always under construction.


I'm looking forward to regretting this.


Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I've yet to figure out why


Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"

SMS: Lifes Realities

Gravity always wins

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

Geniuses like Me are never understood in our own lifetimes.

Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday.

Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us.

Even hot girls have to fart

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

WTF Quotes

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Unite against togetherness!

Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin'.

Life's a Bitch. Be its pimp.

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun

All generalizations are false

'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

A true friend stabs you in the front

The Obnoxious Texter

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right

Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink

Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS.

The Drunk Texter: Ten Of My Favorite Alcohol Related SMS

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems

I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts

I don't curse, drink and smoke. Holy Shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance

I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

Save water, drink beer

SMS: Sexy Message Service

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! I’ll SiT BaCk AnD i'LL let you BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF Me!

Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it

3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

Save a mouse, eat a pussy

Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone