Headless Headlines: Wacky News

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use


Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge


Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years.


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.


Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.


Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies.


Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.


Milk drinkers are turning to powder.

Governor (Knowles) wants more cash for kids

Quaker Oats to Cut Up 1,200 employees

Gators Face Seminoles with Peters out

Messiah Climaxes in chorus of Hallelujahs

Governor's Penis is Busy ("pen is")

Thanks to President Clinton, Sergeant Fruer Now Has Son

Clinton Places Dickey in Gore's Hands

Starr Aghast at First Lady Sex Position

Clinton Stiff on Withdrawal

Long Island Stiffens for Lili's Blow

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Textron Inc. Makes Offer to Screw Company Stockholders

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming

Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Will She Climb to the Top of Mr. Everest Again?

Kake Looks to Sell Dogs for Pet Food

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There A Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide; One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited AFter 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock; Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni

Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
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Smart A$$ Quotes

Statistics are used by people who have no proof


If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you.


Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop


Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity.


Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself


A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.


The road to success is always under construction.


I'm looking forward to regretting this.


Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I've yet to figure out why


Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"

SMS: Lifes Realities

Gravity always wins

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

Geniuses like Me are never understood in our own lifetimes.

Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday.

Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us.

Even hot girls have to fart

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

WTF Quotes

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Unite against togetherness!

Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin'.

Life's a Bitch. Be its pimp.

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun

All generalizations are false

'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

A true friend stabs you in the front