Funny Text Messages: Insults

Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl's empty and so is ur head!

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We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

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U have to do 2 things early in the morning...
1st. pray to God so that u can live....
2nd.take a bath so that others can live....

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Someday u may lose ur hair,
u may lose ur teeth,ur money & even lose ur mind.
But 1 thng ul nvr lose is ur gud luks
coz u cant lose wat u dont have.

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If I was a painter,u wud b my painting
If I was an author,u wud b my story.
If I was a poet,u wud b my poem.
But unfortunately Im a psychiatrist.

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Wen sumbody who's deeply in luv wid u
tells u tat ur cute,beautiful & angelic,
I agree. Tats true, believe me, I swear
Coz love is definitely blind..!

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Who Wants 2 B A
£MILLIONAIRE£

Let's play?
Q.Nobody likes you because you are a:


A.Cunt
B.Wanker
C.Rsole
D.Twat



50/50



Phone a friend?


Ring me! I will tell you!

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You=lovely
You=perfect
You=beautiful
You=amazing
You=sweet
You=cute
You=genius
You=fantastic
You=fabulous
Me=liar

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Where r u? U r u not replying? I m worried coz todays paper I read that due 2 thunder a monkey has been severely injured. So if u r safe, SMS me immediately.

More Smart A$$ Quotes: Insults

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

You are the kind of person that could be used as a blueprint to build an idiot.

You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.

If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.

We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

Having Fun With Condoms Without Putting Them On First.

At a supermarket use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

At a supermarket get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

Puck up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, got to the counter and ask where the FITTING ROOM is.

Wile buying grocery, fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

Q: What do a shark and a condom with a hole in it have in common? - A: You don’t want to fuck with either of them!

Q: When should you wear condoms? - A: At every conceivable occasion

Q: Why can’t pencils have babies? - A: Because they have rubbers on their end

Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman? - A: She’s the one with a condom on her vibrator

Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks

You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.

Please, baby, let me withhold you.

Nice assets.

Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.

In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.

Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.

If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?

Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.

You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.

You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

Text Messages From The Cubicle Prison

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Fix the Box Instead of Thinking Outside Of It.

Their theory: 'No work, no pay'. My rule: 'No pay, no work'

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday...

Write a 'to do' list so you can procrastinate more effectively.

If you don't like your job, you don't quit, you just go in every day and do it really half ass.

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

Teamwork is what you call it when you trick other people into ignoring their priorities in favor of yours.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do.

Smart A$$ Quotes

Statistics are used by people who have no proof


If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you.


Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop


Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity.


Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself


A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.


The road to success is always under construction.


I'm looking forward to regretting this.


Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I've yet to figure out why


Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"

SMS: Lifes Realities

Gravity always wins

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

Geniuses like Me are never understood in our own lifetimes.

Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday.

Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us.

Even hot girls have to fart

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

WTF Quotes

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Unite against togetherness!

Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin'.

Life's a Bitch. Be its pimp.

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun

All generalizations are false

'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

A true friend stabs you in the front

The Obnoxious Texter

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right

Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink

Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS.

The Drunk Texter: Ten Of My Favorite Alcohol Related SMS

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems

I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts

I don't curse, drink and smoke. Holy Shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance

I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

Save water, drink beer

SMS: Sexy Message Service

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! I’ll SiT BaCk AnD i'LL let you BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF Me!

Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it

3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

Save a mouse, eat a pussy

Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone