Smart A$$ Quotes From George Carlin

1. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
2. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
3. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
4. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. 
5. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 
6. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 
7. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
8. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
9. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 
10. Life is a zero sum game.
    

Rejected Hallmark Cards: Assorted

Rejected Hallmark Cards

I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
(inside card)
After meeting you ...
I changed my mind.

I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.

As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card)
That you're not here
To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age ...
(inside card)
Almost life-like!

When we were together,
You said you'd die for me ...
(inside card)
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ...
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend!
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday ...
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and West Virginia)

Looking back o'er the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(inside card)
Guess you didn't tell this one that you have genital herpes.

How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?

10 Funny Quotes About Friendship

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." ~ Spike Milligan

"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice." ~ Anonymous

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

"A true friend stabs you in the front."- Oscar Wilde

"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept." - Samuel Butler

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Fr. Jerome Cummings