Best Cooking Show Ever

Smart A$$ Quotes From George Carlin

1. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
2. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
3. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
4. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. 
5. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 
6. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 
7. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
8. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
9. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 
10. Life is a zero sum game.
    

Rejected Hallmark Cards: Assorted

Rejected Hallmark Cards

I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
(inside card)
After meeting you ...
I changed my mind.

I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.

As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card)
That you're not here
To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age ...
(inside card)
Almost life-like!

When we were together,
You said you'd die for me ...
(inside card)
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ...
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend!
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday ...
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and West Virginia)

Looking back o'er the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(inside card)
Guess you didn't tell this one that you have genital herpes.

How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?

10 Funny Quotes About Friendship

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." ~ Spike Milligan

"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice." ~ Anonymous

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

"A true friend stabs you in the front."- Oscar Wilde

"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept." - Samuel Butler

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Fr. Jerome Cummings 

18 Smarta$$ Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
   Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
   Do not walk beside me, either; just #$!@! off and leave me alone.
   
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 

17 Awesome Quotes

“Fall seven times; stand up eight.” – Japanese proverb

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

“The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” – Chinese Proverb

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” – Gandhi

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“All is flux, nothing stays still.” – Heraclitus

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.” – James Joyce

“I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” – Plutarch

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else” – Judy Garland

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” – Anne Frank

“The mind can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven” – John Milton

“Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” – Albert Einstein

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

A Short Guide to a Happy Life 

Catcher In The Rye Quotes that kills me...

1. Sensitive. That killed me. That guy Morrow was about as sensitive as a goddam toilet seat.
2. I started giving the three witches at the next table the eye again. That is, the blonde one. The other two were strictly from hunger.
3. Real ugly girls have it tough. I feel so sorry for them sometimes. Sometimes I can't even look at them, especially if they're with some dopey guy that's telling them all about a goddam football game.
4. I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
5. People are always ruining things for you.
6. Sometimes you get tired of riding in taxicabs the same way you get tired riding in elevators. All of a sudden, you have to walk, no matter how far or how high up.
7. I can't always pray when I feel like it. In the first place, I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoy the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard.
8. The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding.
9. What I really felt like, though, was committing suicide. I felt like jumping out the window. I probably would've done it, too, if I'd been sure somebody'd cover me up as soon as I landed. I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory.
10. She gave me a pain in the ass, but she was very good-looking.
11. The thing is, it's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs--if yours are really good ones and theirs aren't. You think if they're intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do.
12. Goddam money. It always ends up making you blue as hell.
13. I hate actors. They never act like people. They just think they do. Some of the good ones do, in a very slight way, but not in a way that's fun to watch. And if any actor's really good, you can always tell he knows he's good, and that spoils it.
14. I told her I loved her and all. It was a lie, of course, but the thing is, I meant it when I said it. I'm crazy. I swear to God I am.
15. If you do something too good, then, after a while, if you don't watch it, you start showing off. And then you're not as good any more.
16. there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddam picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell, but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddam wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
17. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
18. It's funny. You take adults, they look lousy when they're asleep and they have their mouths way open, but kids don't. Kids look all right. They can even have spit all over the pillow and they still look all right.
19. If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
20. "I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."
21. "This fall I think you're riding for--it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started. You follow me?" --- Mr Antolini
22. 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.'" ---Wilhelm Stekel.
23. "I think that one of these days," he said, "you're going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you've got to start going there. But immediately. You can't afford to lose a minute. Not you." ---Mr Antolini
24. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of hose deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they'd leave me alone.
25. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "F*ck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
    

J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye: A Routledge Guide

A Reader's Companion to J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Rye: Shmoop Study Guide

The Catcher in the Rye (Study Guide)

Catcher, Caught

Love, Love, Love

1. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
2. “I love you, not because you are perfect, but because you are so perfect for me.“
3. Love is everything it’s cracked up to be… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
4. You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.
5. “When I saw you I fell in love. And you smiled because you knew.”
6. In a relationship, there’s always someone who loves more than the other.
7. Don’t find love. Let love find you. That’s why it’s called falling in love, because you don’t force yourself to fall — you just do.
8. “It’s not that I can’t live without you, It’s that I don’t even want to try.”
9. The heart wants what it wants…. There’s no logic to those things.
   
10. Lovers do not meet somewhere along the way. They’re in each other’s hearts from the beginning.

The greatest feeling in the world is love

1. “A nightmare? Hardly….. he gave me two tears of happiness, which is two more than a lot of people get.”
2. To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give.
3. Love can happen anywhere at any time and almost always when we least expect it…
4. “Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
5. You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.
6. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
7. “If we ran out of time and I could pick one moment of all the days that I have lived.. To keep it shining, always new, I’d pick the moment I met you.”
8. The greatest feeling in the world is love, but the worse feeling is to love someone and not be loved back.
9. To love is to have someone special, one who you can always depend to be there through the years sharing laughter and tears as a partner, a lover, a friend.
10. “I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, no matter what I do, you’re the one that I love, and I can’t let you go.”

Love Is...

1. Love is, giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.
   
2. Don’t settle for the one for the one you can live with… wait for the one you can’t live without.
3. Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.
4. “If something happens and you lose me, please don’t think that’s the end, come and find me again.”
5. To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.
6. The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree, but still hold hands.
7. Once in your life, you will find someone who will turn your whole world around.
8. “The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this isn’t gonna work out between us. But, I’m armed with the ONE reason why it will: I LOVE YOU.”
9. You know you truly love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you’re not a part of it.
10. True love is not something that comes everyday, follow your heart, it knows the right answer.

I Heart You

• “For a few moments in my life you’ve made me feel as if I truly meant something to someone.”
• “I love you, without any doubts, no hesitations, no limit.”
• “I came alive when I started loving you.”
• “When I grow old, I want you to be the one there beside me.”
• “When we’re together or when we’re apart, you’re first in my thoughts and first in my heart.”
• “Loving you is the second best thing I have done, finding you was the first.”
• “Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
• “I don’t regret the things I have done or the things I have chosen not to do because what ever I’ve done, I must have done something right because I ended up with you.”
• “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
• “With you, I am home.”

Love Lines

• “I would give up anything just to be with you.”
• “I love you more and more each day.”
• “When I look into your eyes I get lost and when that happens I never want to find my way out.”
• “You are God’s most wonderful gift to me.”
• “I love you with the breath, the smiles and the tears of all my life.”
• “No one has ever loved me, the way that you have.”
• “Loving you is like nothing I’ve ever felt before…”
• “I love you, more than words could ever say.”
• “You showed me the real meaning of love.”
• “I don’t know much, but I know I love you.”
• “I love you very much, because with you, I found a way to love myself again.”

Lost Love

1. Sometimes there would come a time when we have to stop loving someone. Why? Not because the person started hating us, but because we ran out of reasons to fight for what we feel.
2. “Teach me how to be strong before you go. Teach me how to believe if you ever lie. Teach me how to control my tears before I start to cry. And please, teach me how to make you stay before you say goodbye.”
3. It’s hard to live alone. It’s harder to choose someone to love. But the hardest part of loving is to admit that you’ve fallen for someone who can never be yours.
4. When you fall in love, don’t give everything without leaving something for yourself… someday, somehow, it would be too late for you to realize that you’ve given all for the wrong one, without saving something for the right one…
5. “I don’t run from you, I walk away slowly. And it kills me because you don’t care enough to stop me.”
6. Life is ironic! Sometimes you keep on crying even if the guy neglects you, but you get surprised one day that just when you stopped crying and found someone new, that’s when he starts crying over losing you…
7. Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.
8. The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. It’s being forgotten by someone you could never forget.
9. It hurts when the one you love left you and said, “You deserve someone better.” Then all you can say is… “Maybe I do.” But deep inside you’re crying coz you know you can’t find “BETTER” when you already found the “BEST.”
10. If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride.

Love One Liners

• “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted…”
• “You’re the only other half that makes me whole.”
• “Sometimes, the only part of my life I’m sure about is the love I share with you.”
• “If I know what love is, it’s because of you.”
• “You are my life, my heart and my soul.”
• “Being with you is a gift while loving you is precious.”
• “I love you not only for who you are, but for what I am when I’m with you.”
• “I hope that you finally understand that I will love you until the end, because you’re not just my man, you’re also my best friend.”
• “I love when you look at me, because I know for one second I’ve crossed your mind.”
• “You’re everything to me, that he never was…”

Love and Freindship [sic]

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Other People's Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant to See

How To Love

This Kind Of Love

So In Love (Feat. Anthony Hamilton)

I Love You This Big

Why Guys Like Girls…

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you’
18. Actually … just the way they kiss you…
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt . (even though we don’t admit it)!
23. The way they say “I miss you”
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore…..

SMS / Text Messages Collection: Assorted

I had a dream that i still loved u *~* I THINK I WOKE UP SCREAMING!!!!!!

There are easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.


YeH u'D bE PReTTy gOoDLOoKiN iF iT WaSnT FoR yOuR FaCe


im not a tease im just a reminder of what you cant have


-íMåGíNé Ur LíFé WíThØuT Mé- -¿Mí§éRåBLé HuH?-


If it were supposed to feel good they wouldn't call it a crush.


Don't go for looks, they deceive, don't go for money, wait, go for money then when its gone, move on to the next guy!

Honk if you love Me, then drive your car into the nearest tree!

friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men/women

you say you're heaven sent... then that explains your face. mustve landed on it.

All About Salaries

Did you know that there are many different types of salaries?

I have experienced receiving almost all types of salaries listed below.

Which type do you associate yours with?

Onion Salary
You see it, you grab it…then you cry.

Diet Salary
Makes you eat less and less each time you have it.

Atheist Salary
You doubt its existence!

Magic Salary
You make a few moves and voila, it disappears!

Storm Salary
You don’t know when it’s coming and/or how long it’ll last

Black Humour Salary
You laugh so you don’t cry!

Conservative Salary
Takes your inspiration away!

Impotent Salary
When you need it the most, it fails you….

Menstrual Salary
Comes once a month and lasts about 3 days

Walt Disney Salary
It’s been frozen for 30 years!

Rejected Hallmark Cards: Offensive

# I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.


# Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.


# I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.


# This feels good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.


# You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round ass!


# Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!


# Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown...but so's your ass!


# You're a honey....and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".


# I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!


# If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Some Useful Prayers

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am PST.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to NOT try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen

Funny Text Messages: Insults

Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl's empty and so is ur head!

---

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

---

U have to do 2 things early in the morning...
1st. pray to God so that u can live....
2nd.take a bath so that others can live....

---

Someday u may lose ur hair,
u may lose ur teeth,ur money & even lose ur mind.
But 1 thng ul nvr lose is ur gud luks
coz u cant lose wat u dont have.

---

If I was a painter,u wud b my painting
If I was an author,u wud b my story.
If I was a poet,u wud b my poem.
But unfortunately Im a psychiatrist.

---

Wen sumbody who's deeply in luv wid u
tells u tat ur cute,beautiful & angelic,
I agree. Tats true, believe me, I swear
Coz love is definitely blind..!

---

Who Wants 2 B A
£MILLIONAIRE£

Let's play?
Q.Nobody likes you because you are a:


A.Cunt
B.Wanker
C.Rsole
D.Twat



50/50



Phone a friend?


Ring me! I will tell you!

---

You=lovely
You=perfect
You=beautiful
You=amazing
You=sweet
You=cute
You=genius
You=fantastic
You=fabulous
Me=liar

---

Where r u? U r u not replying? I m worried coz todays paper I read that due 2 thunder a monkey has been severely injured. So if u r safe, SMS me immediately.