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Smart A$$ Quotes From George Carlin

1. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
2. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
3. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
4. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. 
5. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 
6. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 
7. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
8. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
9. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 
10. Life is a zero sum game.
    

Rejected Hallmark Cards: Assorted

Rejected Hallmark Cards

I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
(inside card)
After meeting you ...
I changed my mind.

I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.

As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card)
That you're not here
To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry ...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age ...
(inside card)
Almost life-like!

When we were together,
You said you'd die for me ...
(inside card)
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you ...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy ...
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend!
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday ...
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and West Virginia)

Looking back o'er the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(inside card)
Guess you didn't tell this one that you have genital herpes.

How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?

10 Funny Quotes About Friendship

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy." ~ Spike Milligan

"Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice." ~ Anonymous

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

"A true friend stabs you in the front."- Oscar Wilde

"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept." - Samuel Butler

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Fr. Jerome Cummings 

18 Smarta$$ Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
   Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
   Do not walk beside me, either; just #$!@! off and leave me alone.
   
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 

17 Awesome Quotes

“Fall seven times; stand up eight.” – Japanese proverb

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

“The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” – Chinese Proverb

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” – Gandhi

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“All is flux, nothing stays still.” – Heraclitus

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.” – James Joyce

“I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” – Plutarch

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else” – Judy Garland

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” – Anne Frank

“The mind can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven” – John Milton

“Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” – Albert Einstein

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

A Short Guide to a Happy Life 

Catcher In The Rye Quotes that kills me...

1. Sensitive. That killed me. That guy Morrow was about as sensitive as a goddam toilet seat.
2. I started giving the three witches at the next table the eye again. That is, the blonde one. The other two were strictly from hunger.
3. Real ugly girls have it tough. I feel so sorry for them sometimes. Sometimes I can't even look at them, especially if they're with some dopey guy that's telling them all about a goddam football game.
4. I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
5. People are always ruining things for you.
6. Sometimes you get tired of riding in taxicabs the same way you get tired riding in elevators. All of a sudden, you have to walk, no matter how far or how high up.
7. I can't always pray when I feel like it. In the first place, I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoy the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard.
8. The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding.
9. What I really felt like, though, was committing suicide. I felt like jumping out the window. I probably would've done it, too, if I'd been sure somebody'd cover me up as soon as I landed. I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory.
10. She gave me a pain in the ass, but she was very good-looking.
11. The thing is, it's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs--if yours are really good ones and theirs aren't. You think if they're intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do.
12. Goddam money. It always ends up making you blue as hell.
13. I hate actors. They never act like people. They just think they do. Some of the good ones do, in a very slight way, but not in a way that's fun to watch. And if any actor's really good, you can always tell he knows he's good, and that spoils it.
14. I told her I loved her and all. It was a lie, of course, but the thing is, I meant it when I said it. I'm crazy. I swear to God I am.
15. If you do something too good, then, after a while, if you don't watch it, you start showing off. And then you're not as good any more.
16. there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddam picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell, but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddam wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
17. It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
18. It's funny. You take adults, they look lousy when they're asleep and they have their mouths way open, but kids don't. Kids look all right. They can even have spit all over the pillow and they still look all right.
19. If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
20. "I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."
21. "This fall I think you're riding for--it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started. You follow me?" --- Mr Antolini
22. 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.'" ---Wilhelm Stekel.
23. "I think that one of these days," he said, "you're going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you've got to start going there. But immediately. You can't afford to lose a minute. Not you." ---Mr Antolini
24. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of hose deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they'd leave me alone.
25. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "F*ck you" signs in the world. It's impossible.
    

J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye: A Routledge Guide

A Reader's Companion to J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Rye: Shmoop Study Guide

The Catcher in the Rye (Study Guide)

Catcher, Caught